My Heart
by C3LLO
Summary: One-shot. "It’s ironic. I had thought that I was the one doing the deceiving…But it was I, who had been deceived." Allen thought he found love in Kanda, but did he? Rated M. Yullen.


**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own D . Gray-Man.

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The first time we met was awkward. I merely tried to enter the Headquarters, but the Gatekeeper mistook me for an Akuma. Your long black hair flowed through the chilled air like a waterfall. You attacked me, damaging my left arm with Mugen. I was shocked by your beauty and power.

_My heart was beating fast._

I proved my innocence and humanity, and introduced myself to you. My hand was outstretched, ready for a proper handshake. Instead, you rejected the gesture, and stated "Like I'd shake hands with a cursed person."

_It tore my heart._

We went on our first mission together. We got separated, injured, nearly killed. You screamed at me to take Lala's heart out…the Innocence. It was like taking a toy from a child…Taking Lala away from Guzoru. How could I do such a thing? So I refused.

You punched me.

_It hurt my heart that you couldn't understand._

My Innocence phased, but my body couldn't keep up. The Level 2 was so close…so close into killing me. You protected me. Together, we defeated the Akuma. We let Lala live again. Let her sing for Guzoru one last time. And you waited with me. You comforted me, in a harsh way. But nonetheless, you encouraged me.

_My heart felt warm._

I met Lavi. He was a nice guy. We got along very well. But when he called you "Yuu," a word no one dared say around you, I was jealous. The way he wrapped his arms around you naturally, the way you reacted towards him was cold, yet gentle.

_My heart began to change._

You were always with Lavi, and Lavi was always with you. He would stroke your hair, and laugh next to you. You would show him a small smile on those thin lips. A smile I wished you would shine at me. Then I saw it. Those thin lips, the ones I've always wanted to touch, crashed down onto Lavi's. A kiss I knew I would never receive.

_My heart was envious…Envious that he had you._

We went on another mission together, destroying Akuma and saving humans, the usual. We succeeded. We walked down the brown dirt road into a quiet green forest. Water drops began to fall from the sky, slow at first, and gradually came down faster. We took shelter under a pine tree, which smelled refreshing, just like you.

We sat next to each other, our bodies nearly touching. I could feel the faintly feel the heat radiating off of you. I wanted to hold you, to engross myself in your warmth. But I resisted, for I didn't want to betray my redhead friend…

The rain came harder by the second, hitting the ground with the softest pressure, but made noises as if beads were falling instead. I shivered from the icy coldness in the crisp air. It was as if the wind entered my bones. Suddenly, I felt a pair of arms wrapping around me…They were your arms. You pulled me closer to you, until my face was buried against your built chest.

_My heart was thudding like a drum._

I stuttered your name. You told me to "shut up." We both stayed like that, feeling each other, listening to the clear water drops fall pleasantly onto the ground. I was at peace. I never felt so calm. The next thing I knew, my chin was in your rough hands, tilting my head upwards. My body suddenly became stiff. I stared into your black-filled eyes, and you stared into my silver ones.

_Then…I felt your lips against mine._

We mentioned nothing of the incident. I felt like a traitor, wanting to die for treason of Lavi. I betrayed his trust, betrayed his respect, betrayed our friendship. But why did it feel so _good_, so good to know that Kanda's soft and chapped flesh touch mine? So good to know that perhaps Kanda did have feelings for me? So good to know that I might not be alone in this world anymore?

_My heart might've finally found peace._

In the day, we fought over trifle matters. Me, repeatedly telling you "My name is not moyashi! It's Allen! Stupid BaKanda!" And you, snapping back with, "Che. Whatever. A moyashi will always be a moyashi, Moyashi."

_It made my heart beat fast as we conversed in our altercations._

At night…it was like a whole new world. You would come into my room, and close the door softly behind you. I would lie motionlessly in my bed as a stream of white light entered from the window. You would stand beside my bed, staring at me for what seemed like an eternity, your eyes penetrating through my body. Then, ever so sweetly, you would lean down, and kiss me gently on my soft lips, my scarlet cheeks, my tense brows, my flat temples, my straight nose bridge, my closed eyelids. I could do nothing but shiver from your loving and warm touch. But despite your touch on the surface of my body, it seemed like you were kissing my heart.

_You had complete control over my heart._

One night, we were in your bed, our clothes scattered carelessly on the floor. I groaned under you as you pushed deeper in me. The sheets of your bed stretched in my sweaty palms, my back arched ever so slightly. Within minutes of pleasure and pain, I came, the white substance spattered on your flat and sculpted chest. You came inside me seconds later.

I frowned with my eyes closed as your warmth left me, but it was quickly replaced with a chaste kiss on my forehead. Your lips traveled to my ear, and you whispered words I was longing to hear.

_I love you...what simple words to make my heart fly._

Three months have passed since we started our "nightly rituals." The sense of guilt left me completely, only to be replaced by lust and love. You fed my needs every night, leaving me only wanting more the next time.

I've become so selfish, but it didn't matter anymore. As long as I had you, nothing mattered. My feelings reached you, and you returned it. I knew you would never leave me.

_At least… this is what I thought._

Rain fell from the sky again. The colors outside seemed to dim and fade, only to be replaced by grey. The trees swayed in the violent wind, the rain falling harshly on the glass windows.

The weather was horrible, and it gave me a frightening premonition. I ignored it, for I was on my way to see Kanda. I went up the stairs, turned corners, and down corridors. Kanda was nowhere to be found.

I questioned the Finders, finding out that you were in the library, along with Lavi, whom was back from his long-term mission. I smiled timidly feeling the pained guilt in my chest for deceiving the redhead. I wondered vaguely how he would feel if he ever discovered the secret between Kanda and I.

I ran towards the library, excited and scared to face Lavi and Kanda. I opened the door, slowly and ever so carefully. My footsteps were light against the stone floor as I searched for the two teens. And then, as I turned a corner, I saw a sight that made me want to scream.

_My heart clenched in my chest._

Clothes were thrown carelessly onto the floor. Gasps and moans and pants filled the air, along with names filled with lust.

And there you were, my dear, sweet samurai. Under the man I thought you loved no more, withering in pleasure and pain. Your legs spread open, revealing every detail of your beautiful body to him. Your face, scrunched up in the midst in the moment, groaning the redhead's name breathlessly as he slammed into you over and over again.

I drew in a sharp breath, loud enough for you two to hear and look up from your activity. Lavi, oblivious to our bond, smiled weakly, embarrassed to be caught by his "friend." He tried to laugh off the situation.

But as for you…as for you…shame was drawn all over your face. Your eyes filled with sex, clouded with guilt. Those eyes tore me. All feelings of what we had, of what I thought we had, was broken into two, only to be replaced with hurt, betrayal, and the truth.

Your helpless mouth opened, trying to say something that I didn't want to hear. I didn't want to hear you. I didn't want to hear anything. So I ran out of the room, my name echoing in the hallways.

I ran outside, where the rain came down harder than before, hitting my pale skin. I went into the forest where the trees were scarred from your intense training. Where else was I to run to? My room held too many hints and memories of what I thought was love. Everywhere I looked had your presence on it. I could find no haven. No love. No heart.

_So I screamed into the night._

It's ironic. I had thought that I was the one doing the deceiving…But it was I, who had been deceived.

_My heart is no more._

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**Author's Note:** Thank you for reading. Inspired by the fanfic Bitter by Lady Idhril. :D Reviews please ?


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